Nutty but nice

I garnered the nickname ‘nutty Nicky’ at school. Apparently, ‘nutty’ does not mean cool. Am I weird? Deffo on the spectrum, We all are, but not always acceptable to mention. It’s not touch or taste or texture, or whatever else I conjecture. But I do get captivated by patterns and order, not to the point

Going solo

As big sister’s go You’re the only one I’ll ever know, I walked in your shadow, Whilst you watched me grow. All the time that I was a kid I wanted to emulate you, Do the things that you did. At sixteen, you left the family home, 11, I felt bereft, totally alone Our parents

Things to put into a black hole

The truths you can no longer hold You can’t keep in get your brain in a spin. Memories that hurt too much Family rows Furrowed eyebrows Sorrows, sins That sinking feeling. Regrets, missed chances Grievances, lost romances The ice that grips your heart When a loved one departs A depressing, personal review In a one-off

Broken (for Dida)

People look, but don’t see us We’re the ones you won’t sit with on the bus Faces ravaged by our savage lives Beaten up men, abused wives Fallen on bad times, sad times Having been shown Unhealthy ways to cope We’ve adopted as our own Between us there’s no judgement Just acceptance, we’ve made it

Need a fix?

I’ve always had mixed feelings About fixing myself Divorcing, my old habits, Walking away, to find my new self it’s like asking an elephant to forget Or tasking a gremlin to not get wet There’ll always be piece of me That will struggle to move on When all the other parts of me Are long

Someone

I wouldn’t have believed The life I’d lead The good times, the bad times Numerous sad times I need Someone to hold on to In the night When I don’t feel right And I’m falling down again To help stop the pain Make things bright again In the dark I can imagine a body next

Keeping the light on

I’m going back to school – The school of renewal But first I need to unlearn my bad habits Like the ‘go to’ places in my head The one that says, ‘You’re better off dead’, ‘You’ve messed up again, you can’t put it right.’ ‘May as well give up the fight.’ Then there’s an accompanying

Blurted out

It wasn’t a thought, It was a blurt A blurt that caused hurt I wasn’t even aware of it’s presence in my mind, Never planned to be unkind or consciously to share it An eruption Normally causes disruption But the world seemed to stop Could have heard a pin drop I mistook stunned silence For

A secret

Hey, remember me? You put me to bed when you had children Caught up in the day to day You snubbed me. It’s fine, I didn’t mind It was just a matter of time I could wait And sneak up from behind I’ve appeared a few times over the years But life was too busy

Alienated

My state of mind A waste of time Including mine Walking the line It’s hard to find a space that feels safe. Someone to catch me when I fall to want me warts and all. To match me My head’s feeling dead, my body numb. I’ve alienated everyone, I want to shout out I tried

Pain

It’s been a queer, year And one I fear Has changed me forever Never felt less together My mind displaced From what I’ve faced Previously Then, one incident after another I’ve been forced to discover My own physical vulnerability Seriously My bones, my legs, my back All seem under attack There’s no going back No

Ex

It’s sometimes hard to see in to the person that I once knew Since the shit that he’s been thru And love I wonder what’s become of Him, His smile’s worn thin His humour grim The bitterness pours of out of him His thoughts are dark He’s lost his spark The shutters down, There’s no

Transformation

I’d like to be a caterpillar, and eat and eat. Make myself a home, under the sturdiest leaf. Wrapped up, tight, having the ultimate sleep, but hold on a mo, it’s about to get deep.. Whilst I’m on this ‘replete with sleep’ vacation, My cocooned persona has undergone a transformation. I’m no longer like a

Thoughts

So many months neglecting myself focused on everyone’s mental health (Including my self) Trying to protect your mind from being brought to places that is shouldn’t ought to But it finds them, and gets caught too.. In those places and unrestrained spaces, Your thoughts run wild, like an unruly child To darkness, hope, light and

For 1

Just searched up ‘BBQ for one’, the fact that it’s a ‘thing’ made me feel better

RaTS

My cat just bought a rat home for me, not quite dead. Had to get help to do the deed. Inspired this: Who decided…Weeds were weeds and not plants we need? That cats not rats were nice, and mice? That normal is good in your neighbourhood? To be different is significant? To be proud and

Watching you grow

Hanging around the edge of the playground Wondering what to do to fit in What to do next You don’t know the context Not sure what to say You join in anyway No point of reference If challenged, no defence Mimicking others trying to get it right Hoping you’re not ridiculed or end up in

Missing you

No hugs, no laughs No contact, we’re apart. The 1st time in 19 years I’ve spent your birthday in tears. I respect your space But have kept your place Beside me, and in my heart In case you want to re-start.

1st attempt

A caring Samaritan persuades me to let them come And share with my dad and mum what I’ve done They have a brief conversation and leave. How was I so naive to believe That if a person is broken You’d show them a token A fashion of compassion Recognition of their condition Not ‘you stupid

Absent

1, 2, 3. 4 Don’t want to be here anymore 5. 6. 7. 8 Can no longer communicate How I feel It doesn’t seem real My mind drips its poison into me Making me feel I don’t want to be The curse in my children’s’ lives With frequent thoughts of suicide Passing on my desperate

Disconnected

I don’t want to be me I want to break free Ready for whatever comes after Life has tried me Denied me, defied me Can’t be worse than now Feeling cursed somehow Sorrow heavy on my chest Depression’s not a guest I want to host anymore ‘Go away’ I implore Infectious? It’s under my skin

A weakening

Buried my brother today And I just pray, he’s on his way To better things Whatever afterlife brings. Do I believe in God? Not sure that I do Not after what I’ve been through ‘These things are sent to try us’ Well, I’ve tried, people I love have died Others I love have cried ‘What

In memory of my brother

After battling with MS for years, Covid finally took him a week ago. Somewhere over the rainbow Is my brother, Peter, and I know He is finally free of his useless, wasting body Life can be so unkind Trapped in this prison, his mind Was sometimes hard to find. Tho his humour helped to see

Yo-yo

My mind is up, my spirit’s down, My brain is really going to town. I’m fighting feelings, to refrain from moonlighting, falling back again, to a night-time shift that I dread. Working through thoughts stalking my head, trying to will myself out of this gloom. Clock ticking, laying in my head-room, hours drag on, darkness

Crossed wires

Yet another conversation you won’t entertain, impeding any hope I have of helping again. Everything is black or white for you A specific subject is or isn’t taboo If you don’t get the response you expect You lose all respect for me Make it clear that you reject me It’s what I have come to

Covid – All at sea

Lockdown 1, lockdown 2, lockdown 3 or 4, How long till ‘they’ decide that we need more? A 21st century Noah to embark On the building of a Covid-free ark, With accommodation at least 2 metres apart, To enable Humans to make a new start. But who do we save? The young and the brave

Impact of Covid (1)

Covid may have served to become Something that’s changed us far beyond The changes I recognise my self Not just less choice on the supermarket shelf Less high street, more local, Neighbours more focal, Everyone more vocal. Dialling, hoping someone’s home Drawn out chatting on the phone, So as not to feel alone. Our children

Covid blues

Covid, no-vid, feeling low vid Nowhere to go vid Missing friends, the chance to meet Just brief encounters on the street Never realised I’d miss so much A hug from mum, a simple touch Face masks, masking our pain Loneliness, tasking our brains Depressed, I need some direction But everyone’s scared of infection Anxiety gnaws

Left out

My other kids have had to cope Witness me almost give up hope Take back seats in my attention Though it’s never my intention Her actions often supersede Them, in their times of need. They watch me trying to refrain From falling too far down again They’ve seen that once before When I couldn’t go

Dark to light

On nights like these, Laying under the eaves Wide awake in bed Listening to the rain slaying my windows, playing an unrelenting drumming sound The wind displacing any rhythm found. My minds racing, I need to slow it down… Breathe in for 8… , hold for 8… , then out for 8 Like a mantra,