My experiences of Mental Health struggles
My mental health has been more 'mental' than 'health. Poems (not WW), commentary etc. WIP
On nights like these,
Laying under the eaves
Wide awake in bed
Listening to the rain slaying
my windows, playing
an unrelenting drumming sound
The wind displacing any rhythm found.
My minds racing, I need to slow it down…
Breathe in for 8… , hold for 8… , then out for 8
Like a mantra, whilst listening to the rain,
in an effort to calm down my brain
Storms pass, dark slowly turns to light
And then,
another day to night again
My daughter won’t pick up the phone
I worry, aware that she’s alone.
That’s one of her worst fears
Told to me often over the years
Is she OK? I’m on my way
Going, not knowing what I’ll find
Anxious about her state of mind
Replaying shouts of ‘I want to die’
Hoping she’s still too scared to try.
I arrive, and phone, but it’s just as before
No answer. I breakdown the door
Half-naked, comatose, lying in bed
All kinds of thoughts race through my head
I shout and shake her, trying to wake her
In the room, cans and pills lie around
I call paramedics describe what I found
Within minutes they arrive
Stay till they establish she’ll survive
Then leave and now it’s up to me
Watching, waiting patiently…
This is not the person you promised to save,
This is not how she used to behave.
‘There’s no funding’ you say, but with an attitude
Everyone thinking she’s just being rude
I know she’s the product of her ASD and what you’ve put her through
17 placements in a few years simply won’t do.
You’ve created a ‘monster’ who would never have been
With the right education and a stable home scene.
Imagine a child, finally settled, secure,
10 days before her birthday – we don’t want you anymore
We’ll move you on to 16+ accommodation,
It’s usual for people in your situation.
She wasn’t ready, she couldn’t conceive
In a just a few days she’d have to leave
The one placement she thought of as ‘home’
Her carers, her ‘family’ and be all alone.
On her 16th birthday they refused to celebrate
Stating her behaviour had been ‘bad of late’
No thought of her ASD and how she’d react
To moving with such little notice, in fact
They never see the true fall out of their actions
It’s me who must deal with and absorb her reactions.
She’s hostile, she’s volatile
Most people would run a mile
But she knows I won’t, you see
I feel the responsibility
Of being forced to agree
For her to be taken in to ‘care’
I still recognise, the scared girl that’s inside
I will always be there.
I try to rest,
I do my best.
Eyes screwed up tight
It’s dark, it’s night
Why can’t I sleep?
But as I lay there
Shrouded in darkness
My thoughts creep
Crowding in on me
The doubts and fears
My inadequacy
Haunting me
Over the years
What else should I have done?
Where did it all go wrong
The blame, the shame,
The guilt, won’t cease
Preventing me from finding
Peace
I’m gonna wash these thoughts right out of my hair,
Or maybe just sit in my underwear
But sneakily they take hold
Suddenly I’m cold
Put on my pjs and go back to bed
If they’re going to take over and mess with my head
Haven’t showered for a week, it’s not a big deal
Can’t think when I last ate a substantial meal
I make sure my pets and my family are fed
Whilst I live with thoughts about being dead
Surely, I think, it’s a simple solution
To this drama, depression and anxious pollution
It could be an option but for my kin
Those darn kids get under your skin
Like Flat Stanley,
I crawl to the door.
Dragging myself on the laminate floor…
Got no energy, got no life you see
No mojo any more.
I need a reason to go on
A place I feel that I belong
No guilt or worry, nothing wrong.
Too much to hope for?
Sometimes it’s a late-night call,
The paramedics, a hole in my wall,
My toilet broken, water everywhere
My daughter shouting, she doesn’t care.
Call the police I need some help,
Now she’s trying to hurt herself.
Arrested. Now I turn to address
the aftermath, crying I clear the mess.
Numb whilst reassuring my son
“We’ll get help this can’t go on”,
but social services failed us all.
I brace myself for the next call
6 years ago I lost parts of my self
From my heart, torn apart
The cracks were showing before then,
But I’d no way of knowing what, when
13 nights in a row, worrying, waiting
Repeating her description, anticipating
The worst
3 to shield, like sheep in a field,
Counting them in at night
Protected, safe, held tight
Losing them one by one?
Now she’s gone
“No need for alarm
We’ll keep her from harm”
“You know you should
It’s for her own good”
“We can take this to court
If you don’t do what you ought”
“You don’t understand
We will force your hand”
She’s gone
Taken from our home
And so forever is a part of me
It cheats my kids of their mum,
When my mind goes on the run
Wondering what may become,
I take pills and end up numb
Do they stop me from myself?
Keep me from hurting someone else?
Do they improve my mental health?
Should I leave them on the shelf?
Scared to try, I can’t get worse,
Depression just seems like a curse.
It won’t go or stay away,
I’m living with it everyday
Can’t remember how to play
Busy sorting everyone else
Thoughts, thoughts go away,
Come back again another day,
Another day I may be able
to deal with what’s heaped on my table
Another day I might cope
Another day I may have hope
But right now, I need to stay
Alive and push my thoughts away.
For now, I’ll hole up in my bed
And try to rest my broken head
I love these toes, I love her nose
and all that’s in between
But it’s hard to keep sight of
the girl she could have been
Her life fermented, tormented, could’ve been prevented,
So much heartache stays unseen
Do I like green eggs and ham?
I can’t remember who I am…
I used to be so full of me,
but now I’m almost empty.
My train of thought…
My brain got caught,
off guard, you see.
Sometimes, it’s hard to find
a reason to be me
My experiences of Mental Health struggles