My experiences of Mental Health struggles

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Lost

I’ll always hold you close and hold you dear

Shed a tear, wish you were here

My love for you has always run deep

The rest of my thoughts will keep

Til we meet in eternal sleep

When I step on into the gloom

You’ll see me on the dark side of the moon

Since being lovers, we felt like kin

Under my skin, I’d be there for anything

Keep feeling waves of despair

That you’ll never be there

(Somehow believed you would

Disillusioned, I misunderstood)

Again

Struggling (not) to care

(too much)

There’s no one there

(lost touch)

No one to share

No longer on the phone

In my dreams, you’re not alone

Nutty but nice

I garnered the nickname ‘nutty Nicky’ at school.

Apparently, ‘nutty’ does not mean cool.

Am I weird? Deffo on the spectrum,

We all are, but not always acceptable to mention.

It’s not touch or taste or texture,

or whatever else I conjecture.

But I do get captivated by patterns and order,

not to the point of OCD.

I’m not compulsive.

I just get caught up in the beauty

of the random, yet uniform, ripples on the sea.

The way that pebbles on the shore

arrange themselves, from big ones at the top,

to the smaller ones, till they stop,

so we can walk down

and dip our toes in to the sea.

The warmth of the sunlight through my blinds,

and the shadows it finds

displayed on the floor

And I look around seeking more.

Noticing that nature has its ways

of reproducing and replicating

Again it’s captivating

Veins on the leaves of a tree,

each side mirroring the other.

The perfection of flowers,

their smell, their colour, their beauty.

Some are damaged, some are whole,

but together there is harmony

Simple things, like this, matter to me

Going solo

As big sister’s go

You’re the only one I’ll ever know,

I walked in your shadow,

Whilst you watched me grow.

All the time that I was a kid

I wanted to emulate you,

Do the things that you did.

At sixteen, you left the family home,

11, I felt bereft, totally alone

Our parents didn’t see me at all

Insignificant, I never felt so small.

So caught up in their everyday strife

They knew nothing about my life

Arguments rained thick and fast

Whilst we were on different paths.

My big sister, she’d have cared too much

Not to have tried to keep in touch.

In the brief times that we have,

She knew

Of all the shit that I’ve been through

Hello, how are you?

What have you been up to?

I would, and have reached out to you

Now I’m starting to see through

You, once big, you now seem small

Our relationship has meant nothing at all.

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It’s easy to find yourself down

But to pick yourself up

when there’s no one around

Alone, it can be tough

Things to put into a black hole

The truths you can no longer hold

You can’t keep in

get your brain in a spin.

Memories that hurt too much

Family rows

Furrowed eyebrows

Sorrows, sins

That sinking feeling.

Regrets, missed chances

Grievances, lost romances

The ice that grips your heart

When a loved one departs

A depressing, personal review

In a one-off interview

A conversation that ends too soon

When you’re singing the same song

but to a different tune

Not being able to explain

The cause of your pain

Yet keep going there again

Fill it up, buttercup

Don’t hold it in

Use the black hole

As your emotional bin

Free your soul

Broken (for Dida)

People look, but don’t see us

We’re the ones you won’t sit with

on the bus

Faces ravaged by our savage lives

Beaten up men, abused wives

Fallen on bad times, sad times

Having been shown

Unhealthy ways to cope

We’ve adopted as our own

Between us there’s no judgement

Just acceptance, we’ve made it through

Trying to redeem ourselves

And start anew.

Forget the past

And succeed on our own

Atone for everything, show that we’ve grown

Doesn’t matter how far down you go

When the only way is up

Whether it’s a lost home, job, or family

Abuse, illness, addiction, it’s reality

And you feel you’ve had enough

For each of us, it’s tough

Need a fix?

I’ve always had mixed feelings

About fixing myself

Divorcing, my old habits,

Walking away,

to find my new self

it’s like asking an elephant to forget

Or tasking a gremlin to not get wet

There’ll always be piece of me

That will struggle to move on

When all the other parts of me

Are long gone

Looking back, have I got ASD

Or just a quirky heart in me?

Surely they’re the same?

Someone

I wouldn’t have believed

The life I’d lead

The good times, the bad times

Numerous sad times

I need

Someone to hold on to

In the night

When I don’t feel right

And I’m

falling

down

again

To help stop the pain

Make things bright again

In the dark

I can imagine a body next to me

giving comfort and warm reassurance

A stark contrast, difference

To my cold bed

Bleak thoughts

Racing through my head

Scared of facing the next day

Alone, on my own

But if I never reach out

I will never find

someone

to help ease my mind

Keeping the light on

I’m going back to school –

The school of renewal

But first I need to unlearn my bad habits

Like the ‘go to’ places in my head

The one that says, ‘You’re better off dead’,

‘You’ve messed up again, you can’t put it right.’

‘May as well give up the fight.’

Then there’s an accompanying echo which shouts ‘NO’,

‘That’s no place to go’, ’There is a light’

Focus on what you might miss out on

The pain you would cause;

Keep that light on!

Whilst I’m trying to find the will to get back up from the floor,

I’m still persuading myself my kids don’t need me anymore

You’re ready to fly,

now buzz off.

If you fly far enough, I can’t hurt you anymore,

You won’t feel the ripples from my shore.

I don’t want to taint your lives, or to shape them,

Go off, make your own, and then paint them.

Every colour and hue,

laughing and enjoying all that you do

If you don’t go of your own accord

I’ll probably drive you away

Poison you with my misery,

so you won’t stay

My kids upset

They don’t understand why

I’ve let them down

Or I want to die

I can’t keep going on faking my feelings

Forsaking myself, selling others short

Finally sending an SOS for help

To re-shape myself, and be the person that I ought

Blurted out

It wasn’t a thought,

It was a blurt

A blurt that caused hurt

I wasn’t even aware of it’s

presence in my mind,

Never planned to be unkind

or consciously to share it

An eruption

Normally causes disruption

But the world seemed to stop

Could have heard a pin drop

I mistook stunned silence

For lack of concern

Pen poised over the sudoku

Their face didn’t even turn

Awash with panic

Feeling manic

I hadn’t prepared for this

Didn’t know what to expect

But the lack of emotion

Feels like neglect.

It was probably seconds

But felt like so much more

Experiencing feelings I cannot endure

Sobbing my heart out, out of the door

After 40 years, facing my fears

I can’t hold back the tears

Can’t take it back,

Can’t un-say it

A secret

Hey, remember me?

You put me to bed when you had children

Caught up in the day to day

You snubbed me.

It’s fine, I didn’t mind

It was just a matter of time

I could wait

And sneak up from behind

I’ve appeared a few times over the years

But life was too busy to afford me much attention

So ignored, I just built your unconscious apprehension

I could wait,

Fate would give me the opportunity

To erupt and interrupt your life

Some things need to come out

The tension, I won’t go away

You need to put it right,

Make yourself whole again

Alienated

My state of mind

A waste of time

Including mine

Walking the line

It’s hard to find

a space

that feels safe.

Someone to catch me

when I fall

to want me

warts and all.

To match me

My head’s

feeling dead,

my body numb.

I’ve alienated everyone,

I want to shout out

I tried my best

and I detest

what I’ve become,

‘Detached’ me

I want to disappear

With no one near

to catch the pain,

or blame me again,

for the fallout.

The family re-arranged

Estranged from each other,

no longer sisters and brothers.

It hurts so deep inside.

Sorry everyone,

I can’t go on.

I’ve hurt you all,

but loved you more

than you could know

Time to go

But I can’t afflict you that way

It’s a reason to stay

Pain

It’s been a queer, year

And one I fear

Has changed me forever

Never felt less together

My mind displaced

From what I’ve faced

Previously

Then,

one incident after another

I’ve been forced to discover

My own physical vulnerability

Seriously

My bones, my legs, my back

All seem under attack

There’s no going back

No ‘I’m alright Jack’

It’s hard to sustain

These months of pain

Numbness, pins and needles’

Aching, again and again

In my mind, it feels like ptsd

On top of the chinks

Already suffered by me

For a while they toughened me

But then I had enough, you see

Everyone has a limit

A point

Where they become disjointed

The realisation of losing my brother

In isolation, losing one another

Becoming a hermit

Tho, Covid just confirmed it

Sealed the deal

Struggling to feel real

But then comes the pain

It reminds me that I am,

Again, and again

Ex

It’s sometimes hard to see in to

the person that I once knew

Since the shit that he’s been thru

And love

I wonder what’s become of

Him,

His smile’s worn thin

His humour grim

The bitterness pours of out of him

His thoughts are dark

He’s lost his spark

The shutters down,

There’s no one in.

I can’t share his frown

I’ve enuff to bring me down

No mojo left to pass around

I can’t stand by and watch him drown

Other times I see him smile,

His face lit up

it feels worthwhile

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Transformation

I’d like to be a caterpillar, and eat and eat.

Make myself a home, under the sturdiest leaf.

Wrapped up, tight, having the ultimate sleep,

but hold on a mo,

it’s about to get deep..

Whilst I’m on this ‘replete with sleep’ vacation,

My cocooned persona has undergone a transformation.

I’m no longer like a worm (but with more co-ordination)

Now I’m a butterfly with wings, but no destination.

I’ll try, somehow, to not just get by,

I want to be like ‘Wow’, feel great and pollinate, until I die.

Free Isolated Female Yellow Body Great Mormon Butterfly With Cocoon Royalty Free Stock Photo - 64127735

Thoughts

So many months neglecting myself

focused on everyone’s mental health

(Including my self)

Trying to protect your mind from being brought to

places that is shouldn’t ought to

But it finds them, and gets caught too..

In those places and unrestrained spaces,

Your thoughts run wild,

like an unruly child

To darkness, hope, light and back again.

I’d like to plan my dreams.

With love, family, pleasure, ice-cream,

and everything in between.

All light and laughter,

happy ever after.

Not wistful, worn-out thoughts of what might have been.

For 1

Just searched up ‘BBQ for one’,

the fact that it’s a ‘thing’ made me feel better

RaTS

My cat just bought a rat home for me, not quite dead.

Had to get help to do the deed. Inspired this:

Who decided…Weeds were weeds and not plants we need?

That cats not rats were nice, and mice?

That normal is good in your neighbourhood?

To be different is significant?

To be proud and loud with a crowd, never cowed?

I was raised to be amazed by life’s simplicity,

and not to be fazed by its duplicity.

To bear in mind that this World needs kindness and peaceful mind ness.

Not this worth less is bad, madness and sadness

Watching you grow

Hanging around

the edge of the playground

Wondering what to do

to fit in

What to do next

You don’t know the context

Not sure what to say

You join in anyway

No point of reference

If challenged, no defence

Mimicking others trying to get it right

Hoping you’re not ridiculed or end up in a fight

As you grow older,

you get the cold shoulder

There’s less understanding

Communication’s more demanding

Emotions you don’t recognise

Expression’s change, ‘friends’ tell lies

Confused and naive

Why wouldn’t you believe?

Why would they deceive?

You. And leave

You. So vulnerable.

Unable to comprehend

The true meaning of a friend.

Someone you can trust

who won’t abuse you or use you

for their own end.

Children can be cruel

There are unspoken rules

that they live by at school,

to fit in and be cool.

Classes change through the years

more confusion, abuse and bullying by peers

Who recognise, your inability

to tell their lies from reality

Manipulation, degradation, vulnerability

You’re not stupid, you can see

In desperation you choose to ignore

and just hope they’ll like you more

As time goes on

you hide from

some of your toxic ‘friends’.

Others you’ll keep till the bitter end

We used to clash over my interventions

when I questioned their intentions.

In your head, you’ve finally been accepted,

in mine your affection’s miss-directed.

If you change your mind,

you’ll always find me here

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Missing you

No hugs, no laughs

No contact, we’re apart.

The 1^st time in 19 years

I’ve spent your birthday in tears.

I respect your space

But have kept your place

Beside me, and in my heart

In case you want to re-start.

1st attempt

A caring Samaritan persuades me to let them come

And share with my dad and mum what I’ve done

They have a brief conversation and leave.

How was I so naive to believe

That if a person is broken

You’d show them a token

A fashion of compassion

Recognition of their condition

Not ‘you stupid bitch’

Stomach pumped, in hospital feeling numb

different, insignificant

But I’m glad I’ve come

A few days of peace, a release

Staring out of the window,

watching the sun turn to rain and back again

Time to go home

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Absent

1, 2, 3. 4

Don’t want to be here anymore

5. 6. 7. 8

Can no longer communicate

How I feel

It doesn’t seem real

My mind drips its poison into me

Making me feel I don’t want to be

The curse in my children’s’ lives

With frequent thoughts of suicide

Passing on my desperate spirit

The bleakness. I can’t get through this.

Waking up with a feeling of dread

Wrestling the thoughts running through my head

Imposter syndrome, I can’t see how

To be the person I need to be now

No sense of direction, just the imperfections

No right to be

Pretending to be me

Affecting their lives

Neglecting my own

Feeling empty and absent

In a space all alone

I need to face life

Embrace life

Stop being a chicken

Shake off my fears

and check back in

Stop beating myself up about what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve been

Got to start somewhere

Disconnected

I don’t want to be me

I want to break free

Ready for whatever comes after

Life has tried me

Denied me, defied me

Can’t be worse than now

Feeling cursed somehow

Sorrow heavy on my chest

Depression’s not a guest

I want to host anymore

‘Go away’ I implore

Infectious?

It’s under my skin

Affects my next of kin

Stops me from connecting

Weaves a web around my life

A weakening

Buried my brother today

And I just pray, he’s on his way

To better things

Whatever afterlife brings.

Do I believe in God?

Not sure that I do

Not after what I’ve been through

‘These things are sent to try us’

Well, I’ve tried, people I love have died

Others I love have cried

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

Don’t want to carry on much longer.

I’m strong enough, thank you

In memory of my brother

After battling with MS for years, Covid finally took him a week ago.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Is my brother, Peter, and I know

He is finally free

of his useless, wasting body

Life can be so unkind

Trapped in this prison, his mind

Was sometimes hard to find.

Tho his humour helped to see him through

Frustration at things he couldn’t do

He no longer must rely, on carers, to just get by

He has a chance to enjoy simple things

Fitted out with brand new wings

A chance to explore beyond

The parts of life he must have longed for

Fly up high, P, fly so far

Watch us, laughing, from a star

Surrounded by our love, you’ve not gone

A life well remembered lives on.

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Yo-yo

My mind is up, my spirit’s down,

My brain is really going to town.

I’m fighting feelings, to refrain

from moonlighting, falling back again,

to a night-time shift that I dread.

Working through thoughts stalking my head,

trying to will myself out of this gloom.

Clock ticking, laying in my head-room,

hours drag on, darkness prolongs.

So many places my mind could be,

then held captive by this anxiety.

Crossed wires

Yet another conversation you won’t entertain,

impeding any hope I have of helping again.

Everything is black or white for you

A specific subject is or isn’t taboo

If you don’t get the response you expect

You lose all respect for me

Make it clear that you reject me

It’s what I have come to expect from you

I need to protect myself and you.

To avoid these confrontations,

lower unrealistic expectations,

and to preserve our relations

Without all these frustrations

But you go off piste, try to insist,

rant about anything, shout about everything

There’s nothing meaningful to come from this call

I can’t do everything you want, can’t do it all

The phone’s put down again…..

…..Now we’ve gone a week without speaking

Though I get upset by your attention seeking

My apprehension is gradually peeking.

I know how vulnerable you can be

I’m often victim to your hostility

When you’re filled with fear or anxiety

But I know that you need to let it all out

And address the feelings you won’t talk about.

To reconcile your past, for the chance

To shape your future and redress the balance

I don’t just want you to survive – I want you to feel alive

Covid – All at sea

Lockdown 1, lockdown 2, lockdown 3 or 4,

How long till ‘they’ decide that we need more?

A 21^st century Noah to embark

On the building of a Covid-free ark,

With accommodation at least 2 metres apart,

To enable Humans to make a new start.

But who do we save?

The young and the brave

The old and grey, with the wisdom they’d convey?

Prime Ministers and politicians

To debate and dictate our conditions?

Health care workers to look after us

Labourers, doers who won’t make a fuss

Fertile women to reproduce

So many professions would be of use

Builders, teachers, engineers

Doctors to extend our years…

How could we possibly decide

Who to rescue from this Covid demise?

Where would we go?

Or should we stay at sea?

Watching the World, waiting patiently.

Whilst the rest of us stay at home

Abiding by the rules on our own

Impact of Covid (1)

Covid may have served to become

Something that’s changed us far beyond

The changes I recognise my self

Not just less choice on the supermarket shelf

Less high street, more local,

Neighbours more focal,

Everyone more vocal.

Dialling, hoping someone’s home

Drawn out chatting on the phone,

So as not to feel alone.

Our children ‘taught’ online

For some of them that’s fine

For others, it’s a crime

You see,

People learn differently.

Being in class there’s a difference

Which shouldn’t lose its significance

‘One size fits all’ makes no sense.

The impact on our mental health,

Is yet to fully reveal itself

In social groups left on the shelf

But where do we go from here?

Caught in headlights like a deer,

I’ve got no answers, nowhere near.

It affects us in so many ways

Left in fear, spending weary days,

Months passing by, slowly, in a haze.

Covid blues

Covid, no-vid, feeling low vid

Nowhere to go vid

Missing friends, the chance to meet

Just brief encounters on the street

Never realised I’d miss so much

A hug from mum, a simple touch

Face masks, masking our pain

Loneliness, tasking our brains

Depressed, I need some direction

But everyone’s scared of infection

Anxiety gnaws at me

Is this how it’s going to be?

Feeling life is out of control

Slowly, sinking into a hole

Like quicksand.

I don’t understand

How we’re supposed to carry on

Knowing life has gone so wrong

What’s that? Can it be right?

In the distance a glimmer of light?

Good news, start planning a vacation

We’ve produced a vaccination

But Covid has other ideas,

Mutating, generating further fears

Left out

My other kids have had to cope

Witness me almost give up hope

Take back seats in my attention

Though it’s never my intention

Her actions often supersede

Them, in their times of need.

They watch me trying to refrain

From falling too far down again

They’ve seen that once before

When I couldn’t go on any more

It broke their hearts, and mine too

Knowing what I put them through

I lost them then, I won’t again.

My love for them all strengthens me

Gives me the best reason to be